I Love Him, I Love Him Not, I Love Him, I Love Him Not...

I'm seeing my ex tonight.

I cannot tell you why.  Somehow, I guess I want to believe that this time he is being honest with me.  That maybe, just maybe, we really are going to be happy again.  But I should know better by know.  Even when we were happy, his past always haunted him, always pulled him back... to her.  And that has never changed.  We can be perfect for a few weeks, perhaps even a month.  But her face never stops clouding his dreams, the unneccessary guilt starts plaguing him all over again.  So, without fail, I am left alone to pick up the pieces of myself, slowly becoming more and more bitter towards the one who keeps drawing him back.

I know he loves me.  I know he wants to be with me.  I know we are good for each other.  But sometimes, what's good for us takes work.  Sometimes what is good for us is the hard thing to get.  And he cannot tear himself from the unhealthy chains he has had for the last 5 years of his life.

So why I am meeting with him tonight, I have no idea.  I have heard it all before.  All the reasons, excuses, begging, crying.  And the hard part is that I know he is honest with me when he says he is not happy with her.  But yet it is not my choice to go back.  He gets himself in the circumstances he finds himself in all on his own.  In turn, I suffer.  Funny how that works.

And her?  She is laughing histerically because she knows as well as the rest of us that they hate each other.  She just needs control.  She needs to win.  And so here she is, the antagonizer, getting the last laugh.

I'm meeting him for dinner.  But I know how it's going to end.  I'm going to tell him it is me or her.  And he will not be able to make a decision.  He will blow it off, tell me it is all going to be ok.  But this time, I will not tell him that he has some time to figure it out.  He has had ten months to figure it out and he has not.  So tonight, when he tells me that he can't just up and leave her... when he says he is still on his lease... when he says it is not that simple now... when he says it will all be ok, just chill out...

I tell him no.  That it is now or never.  Me or her.  He has dragged this on long enough and I am no longer a part of his game.  He made his decision when he left me the last time, then chose to drag my family into his shenanigans as well.  I am done.  I am leaving.  He has made his decision.  I can move on with life.  But I also know that he never will. 

Because when you do miss opportunities in life to do what is good for you, when you miss opportunities in life to do the right thing, when you miss the opportunities to love and be loved - those opportunities you will regret not taking for the rest of your God-given life.