A Person I Do Not Want To Be

I wasn't sure if that side of me existed anymore.  So many people had told me, or implied to me by their actions, that side of me was a bad thing.  So somehow, after seeing it drive the people I loved away, or just being looked at as a "bad person", I subdued it.

The IT:  my anger.  my fight.  my fire.  my passion.  Whatever you want to call it. 

I am a very difficult person to make angry.  I am relaxed and easy going.  But there were some buttons that you simply didn't push.  It was a bad idea.  It used to be a frequent thing.  And once you pushed my button, you were done for.  I am a small person - a very small person.  But that forced me to live bigger, fight bigger, talk bigger.  But I always walked the walk.  I never talked bigger than what I could do.

It has been a long time since I've felt that rush.  The need to defend someone or something.  The rush to make my point.  To protect what I love.  Because that was the only reason I would ever flash at anyone.  The only reason I would ever yell at anyone, if someone was threatening the people I loved.

And then today happened, just one thing after another.

My boyfriend left to go see his son, and have a "necessary talk" with his ex.  After about five minutes of being outside, he came rushing back in the door, nearly gasping for air.  His neighbor had charged him out front of the apartment - but his face looked like it took more damage than my boyfriends.  The other couple with us in our apartment jumped up with me to go outside, and sure enough walking in our door was my man's psycho ex.  She started yelling and screaming about how I needed to leave and going on and on.

Thankfully, I left before things got worse, but between the psycho neighbor going at my boyfriend, and his psycho ex coming at me, I really don't know how someones face didn't run into my hand multiple times.

The Land of the Free

The land of the free... BECAUSE we are the home of the brave.

It's Veteran's Day today, and I wanted to take a moment to honor all of those who have gone before.  The ones who have sacrificed more than I ever will in order to allow me to keep the freedoms I have.

Today I celebrate all of the men and women who have served this country through our military, both here and overseas.  They are heroes in this great land, although they would never admit to being one.

We would not be the country we are today, we would not have the freedoms we have today, we would not be as prosperous without the strength and courage of these people.

But the truest heroes of all?  The wives, husbands, children and friends of those who have served.  They face each day with a new strength, going through each day knowing that they honestly do not know what their next day, next hour, next moment could bring.  The doorbell could ring, and on the other side of that 4'x7' piece of wood could be a dress uniform there to tell them their entire world will never be the same again.  But they willingly continue down the road they selected, bearing the weight of the world on their shoulders, yet smiling for all to see.

Today, as we fly our flag overhead, let us do so proudly, to honor those who so selflessly have given everything for people that they will never even meet.

Thank a Veteran today.

HAPPY VETERAN'S DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Just Another Picture To Burn

I have so much going on in my mind today.  It's going more than a million miles a minute.  And this was not what I was expecting, since last night was quite satisfactory.

After riding home in the rain (argh.), a girlfriend of mine and I got together and had a much needed burn session of some old photos I ran across.  The person in the photos has caused more than enough hurt and problems in my life, my friend's life, and my boyfriend's life.  So we took a lighter to the memories, and got it all on video.  Those memories died last night.

And then today hit me.  As some already know, my boyfriend's ex is currently pregnant.  He and I started up our relationship (for the second time) in August.  She is due in June.  June 12.  You do the math.

So needless to say, my mind is racing, and I don't know whether or not I want to cry an ocean of tears or throw something very heavy at my mirror, or drive a hundred miles an hour too fast to somewhere all too far away.

What is done is done, and I cannot change the past.  We were going through a rocky period when this all happened, and have been doing fine recently.  I am not going to let past decisions ruin my now.  But then there is a thing called trust... how does that fit in now...

Nostalic Moments

Memories.

We all have them.  I even watched a movie about a year ago that was based on the idea that our memories are linked to our emotions, and if you erase our emotions, you could not retain or remember anything.  That is still an interesting concept to me, to this day. 

We all not only have memories in our lives, but we also have certain things that we cannot see, smell, taste, touch or hear without those things immediately bringing memories to our mind.  Many call this nostalgia.

And these are my nostalgic moments.

I cannot smell leather and steel without thinking... My Papa's old GMC truck.   I would ride around with my Daddy the old sea green pick up truck with the camper top.  I still remember how difficult the buttons were to push on the seat belts to release it; the slippery, slightly worn leather seats, the old-fashioned dashboard.  I just rode in an older truck, and as soon as I stepped in, it gave me an immediate flashback to times of my younger life.  This is always a good memory.

I cannot see the name Oroville without thinking... My boyfriend's psycho sister.  Her kids live in Oroville with her ex and his wife.  I know at some point I will have to make peace with her, since she is family, but for now, this memory makes me bitter and angry.  Someday, that will change.

I cannot drink Jaegermeister (spelling?) without thinking... the first night I ever consumed alcohol.  It immediately became my favorite alcohol for quite awhile.  But I also immediately think about a later night, after consuming over 5 bottles of the black liquid, regurgitating it right back up on to the lawn of a coworker.  My stomach now remembers that night much clearer than I do, and can never allow itself to consume anything tasting of black liquorice ever again.  This memory just makes me shake my head at the silliness of my life.

I cannot hear the song "Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City without thinking... David Simmer.  And it melts my heart every day.  This memory is one I currently live, and hope I never leave behind.

I cannot be outside in the early Fall without thinking... of Saturdays at home with Daddy.  We would work outside on the yard during the morning, with college football on the big screen TV.  Something about the crispness of the air, the smell of the slightly wet ground, the bright blue California sky, the sound of kids playing at the park, the vacuum running upstairs and the lawn mower roaring outside. These are days that will never be forgotten, and ones I hope to share with my family someday.

Remember, Remember, the Fifth of November...

I am not the bearer of any breaking news when I say, It's Friday!!

As I sit at work on my lunch break, I realize, today I do not have much to say.  Nothing of any topic of importance anyway.  My day is uneventful, as will be my weekend.

But I have found that I rebuild my writer's block when I do not sit down to write at least once a day.  I lose inspiration, and my writing becomes... rough.  Like any other talent, or hobby, writing takes practice.  My hope is that I can write on a daily basis and someday perhaps a topic of some actual importance will find its way to these pages.

For now, I just hope that my thoughts can make their way to the paper (or in this case, screen), in some comprehensible matter, and maybe be enjoyed by people around me.

On a happier side note - David will be staying with me tonight.  And soon, it will be for good.  Our little family will be back intact, and doing well once again.  And of course, we are adding two little ones to the scene!

                                     Me - 20, Trenton - 2 1/2, David - 21                          
            My family is the light of my life... however makeshift it may be.

"Last Kiss" (Taylor Swift)

Simple, beautiful, elegant.
One of the best songs lyrically and musically on Taylor's new album, Speak Now.
Track 13, Last Kiss.

Even though her songs are personal, she has a way of keeping the details general enough that so many of us can say that the songs could have been written about us, word for word.  A sign of an amazing writer.

I still remember the look on your face, lit through the darkness at 1:58.
The words that you whispered, for just us to know.
You told me you loved me, so why did you go away?
Away?
I do recall now the smell of the rain fresh on the pavement.
I ran off the plane that July 9th.
The beat of your heart, It jumps through your shirt.
I can still feel your arms.
But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes.
All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you miss.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss.
Never imagined we'd end like this.
Your name, forever the name on my lips.
I do remember the swing in your step.
The life of the party, you're showing off again.
And I roll my eyes and then you pull me in.
I'm not much for dancing but for you I did,
Because I love your handshake meeting my father.
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets.
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something.
There's not a day when I don't miss those rude interruptions.
But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes.
All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you miss.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss.
Never imagined we'd end like this.
Your name, forever the name on my lips.
So I'll watch you live in pictures like I used to watch you sleep.
And I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are.
Hope it's nice where you are, and I hope the sun shines, and it's a beautiful day, and something reminds you you wish you had stayed.
You can plan for a change in weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind.
So I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes.
All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you miss.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss.
Never imagined we'd end like this.
Your name, forever the name on my lips.
Just like our last kiss.

An Evening Through Coronado

I am currently driving home from Granite Bay, going faster than necessary around turns. I am having a nostalgic moment and must ask that you share it with me. About six months ago, I was in San Diego visiting the boyfriend I had at the time. He took me on my first real date.

We got dressed up, went out to dinner at the most amazing restaurant I have ever been to, and then of course went for a drive... In his Corvette. For a couple hours of unmatched bliss, we drove around southern California at extremely high speeds. It was one of those moments we could both enjoy and experience together, something we both could appreciate. And sometimes... I just simply miss those moments with him.  And I guess this is one of those sometimes.

I Love Him, I Love Him Not, I Love Him, I Love Him Not...

I'm seeing my ex tonight.

I cannot tell you why.  Somehow, I guess I want to believe that this time he is being honest with me.  That maybe, just maybe, we really are going to be happy again.  But I should know better by know.  Even when we were happy, his past always haunted him, always pulled him back... to her.  And that has never changed.  We can be perfect for a few weeks, perhaps even a month.  But her face never stops clouding his dreams, the unneccessary guilt starts plaguing him all over again.  So, without fail, I am left alone to pick up the pieces of myself, slowly becoming more and more bitter towards the one who keeps drawing him back.

I know he loves me.  I know he wants to be with me.  I know we are good for each other.  But sometimes, what's good for us takes work.  Sometimes what is good for us is the hard thing to get.  And he cannot tear himself from the unhealthy chains he has had for the last 5 years of his life.

So why I am meeting with him tonight, I have no idea.  I have heard it all before.  All the reasons, excuses, begging, crying.  And the hard part is that I know he is honest with me when he says he is not happy with her.  But yet it is not my choice to go back.  He gets himself in the circumstances he finds himself in all on his own.  In turn, I suffer.  Funny how that works.

And her?  She is laughing histerically because she knows as well as the rest of us that they hate each other.  She just needs control.  She needs to win.  And so here she is, the antagonizer, getting the last laugh.

I'm meeting him for dinner.  But I know how it's going to end.  I'm going to tell him it is me or her.  And he will not be able to make a decision.  He will blow it off, tell me it is all going to be ok.  But this time, I will not tell him that he has some time to figure it out.  He has had ten months to figure it out and he has not.  So tonight, when he tells me that he can't just up and leave her... when he says he is still on his lease... when he says it is not that simple now... when he says it will all be ok, just chill out...

I tell him no.  That it is now or never.  Me or her.  He has dragged this on long enough and I am no longer a part of his game.  He made his decision when he left me the last time, then chose to drag my family into his shenanigans as well.  I am done.  I am leaving.  He has made his decision.  I can move on with life.  But I also know that he never will. 

Because when you do miss opportunities in life to do what is good for you, when you miss opportunities in life to do the right thing, when you miss the opportunities to love and be loved - those opportunities you will regret not taking for the rest of your God-given life.

Letting Go

How do you let go of someone whom you love?



I don't mean love as in the way I love my favorite pair of high heels, or the way I love the way a diesel truck sounds coming up the road, or the way I love my kitten, Twilight. 



I mean the kind of love that consumes your heart and soul.  The kind that is as much a part of who you are as the color of your eyes, or the sound of your voice.  The kind that drives you to be everything you can be.  The kind of love that has caused you to become a better person - kind, patient, forgiving, understanding, open-minded.  The kind of love that has taught you determination and perseverance.  The kind of love that is a choice to have and to give, but the kind of love that is even harder to let go of than to stick through.



And the person who receives this love... what about them?  Love is a difficult thing to sever, but sometimes even harder is walking away from the person whom you have sown so much love into.  For whatever reason, love sometimes just is not enough, no matter how much one wants it to be.  But if it is failing, what is so difficult about leaving?



I have a man in my life.  To me, he is the most amazing man in my life (other than my Daddy).  He makes me smile, and life, and feel so alive in this life of mine.  I feel purpose and hope and peace when we are together.  I have spent the last year of my life loving this man, but have also spent the last year in a very confusing game of hot potato.  And sometimes I ask myself why I don't just walk away.  Why I don't just leave the games behind.  Honestly, I cannot give you an answer to that, even now.  The best I can come up with is this:



That the way things are when they are good, outweigh any argument, and disagreement, and tears shed, any voices raised, any nights alone.  There is not a single thing about us that I don't love, because even through the dark times, we grow stronger.



But what if I'm wrong?  What if what I fight so hard for is simply a delusion?  It seems every two weeks or so, it comes to this, and we go our separate ways, and I'm left wondering.  But we can't stay away...