A Person I Do Not Want To Be

I wasn't sure if that side of me existed anymore.  So many people had told me, or implied to me by their actions, that side of me was a bad thing.  So somehow, after seeing it drive the people I loved away, or just being looked at as a "bad person", I subdued it.

The IT:  my anger.  my fight.  my fire.  my passion.  Whatever you want to call it. 

I am a very difficult person to make angry.  I am relaxed and easy going.  But there were some buttons that you simply didn't push.  It was a bad idea.  It used to be a frequent thing.  And once you pushed my button, you were done for.  I am a small person - a very small person.  But that forced me to live bigger, fight bigger, talk bigger.  But I always walked the walk.  I never talked bigger than what I could do.

It has been a long time since I've felt that rush.  The need to defend someone or something.  The rush to make my point.  To protect what I love.  Because that was the only reason I would ever flash at anyone.  The only reason I would ever yell at anyone, if someone was threatening the people I loved.

And then today happened, just one thing after another.

My boyfriend left to go see his son, and have a "necessary talk" with his ex.  After about five minutes of being outside, he came rushing back in the door, nearly gasping for air.  His neighbor had charged him out front of the apartment - but his face looked like it took more damage than my boyfriends.  The other couple with us in our apartment jumped up with me to go outside, and sure enough walking in our door was my man's psycho ex.  She started yelling and screaming about how I needed to leave and going on and on.

Thankfully, I left before things got worse, but between the psycho neighbor going at my boyfriend, and his psycho ex coming at me, I really don't know how someones face didn't run into my hand multiple times.

The Land of the Free

The land of the free... BECAUSE we are the home of the brave.

It's Veteran's Day today, and I wanted to take a moment to honor all of those who have gone before.  The ones who have sacrificed more than I ever will in order to allow me to keep the freedoms I have.

Today I celebrate all of the men and women who have served this country through our military, both here and overseas.  They are heroes in this great land, although they would never admit to being one.

We would not be the country we are today, we would not have the freedoms we have today, we would not be as prosperous without the strength and courage of these people.

But the truest heroes of all?  The wives, husbands, children and friends of those who have served.  They face each day with a new strength, going through each day knowing that they honestly do not know what their next day, next hour, next moment could bring.  The doorbell could ring, and on the other side of that 4'x7' piece of wood could be a dress uniform there to tell them their entire world will never be the same again.  But they willingly continue down the road they selected, bearing the weight of the world on their shoulders, yet smiling for all to see.

Today, as we fly our flag overhead, let us do so proudly, to honor those who so selflessly have given everything for people that they will never even meet.

Thank a Veteran today.

HAPPY VETERAN'S DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Just Another Picture To Burn

I have so much going on in my mind today.  It's going more than a million miles a minute.  And this was not what I was expecting, since last night was quite satisfactory.

After riding home in the rain (argh.), a girlfriend of mine and I got together and had a much needed burn session of some old photos I ran across.  The person in the photos has caused more than enough hurt and problems in my life, my friend's life, and my boyfriend's life.  So we took a lighter to the memories, and got it all on video.  Those memories died last night.

And then today hit me.  As some already know, my boyfriend's ex is currently pregnant.  He and I started up our relationship (for the second time) in August.  She is due in June.  June 12.  You do the math.

So needless to say, my mind is racing, and I don't know whether or not I want to cry an ocean of tears or throw something very heavy at my mirror, or drive a hundred miles an hour too fast to somewhere all too far away.

What is done is done, and I cannot change the past.  We were going through a rocky period when this all happened, and have been doing fine recently.  I am not going to let past decisions ruin my now.  But then there is a thing called trust... how does that fit in now...

Nostalic Moments

Memories.

We all have them.  I even watched a movie about a year ago that was based on the idea that our memories are linked to our emotions, and if you erase our emotions, you could not retain or remember anything.  That is still an interesting concept to me, to this day. 

We all not only have memories in our lives, but we also have certain things that we cannot see, smell, taste, touch or hear without those things immediately bringing memories to our mind.  Many call this nostalgia.

And these are my nostalgic moments.

I cannot smell leather and steel without thinking... My Papa's old GMC truck.   I would ride around with my Daddy the old sea green pick up truck with the camper top.  I still remember how difficult the buttons were to push on the seat belts to release it; the slippery, slightly worn leather seats, the old-fashioned dashboard.  I just rode in an older truck, and as soon as I stepped in, it gave me an immediate flashback to times of my younger life.  This is always a good memory.

I cannot see the name Oroville without thinking... My boyfriend's psycho sister.  Her kids live in Oroville with her ex and his wife.  I know at some point I will have to make peace with her, since she is family, but for now, this memory makes me bitter and angry.  Someday, that will change.

I cannot drink Jaegermeister (spelling?) without thinking... the first night I ever consumed alcohol.  It immediately became my favorite alcohol for quite awhile.  But I also immediately think about a later night, after consuming over 5 bottles of the black liquid, regurgitating it right back up on to the lawn of a coworker.  My stomach now remembers that night much clearer than I do, and can never allow itself to consume anything tasting of black liquorice ever again.  This memory just makes me shake my head at the silliness of my life.

I cannot hear the song "Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City without thinking... David Simmer.  And it melts my heart every day.  This memory is one I currently live, and hope I never leave behind.

I cannot be outside in the early Fall without thinking... of Saturdays at home with Daddy.  We would work outside on the yard during the morning, with college football on the big screen TV.  Something about the crispness of the air, the smell of the slightly wet ground, the bright blue California sky, the sound of kids playing at the park, the vacuum running upstairs and the lawn mower roaring outside. These are days that will never be forgotten, and ones I hope to share with my family someday.

Remember, Remember, the Fifth of November...

I am not the bearer of any breaking news when I say, It's Friday!!

As I sit at work on my lunch break, I realize, today I do not have much to say.  Nothing of any topic of importance anyway.  My day is uneventful, as will be my weekend.

But I have found that I rebuild my writer's block when I do not sit down to write at least once a day.  I lose inspiration, and my writing becomes... rough.  Like any other talent, or hobby, writing takes practice.  My hope is that I can write on a daily basis and someday perhaps a topic of some actual importance will find its way to these pages.

For now, I just hope that my thoughts can make their way to the paper (or in this case, screen), in some comprehensible matter, and maybe be enjoyed by people around me.

On a happier side note - David will be staying with me tonight.  And soon, it will be for good.  Our little family will be back intact, and doing well once again.  And of course, we are adding two little ones to the scene!

                                     Me - 20, Trenton - 2 1/2, David - 21                          
            My family is the light of my life... however makeshift it may be.