The last week or so has been fairly uneventful, and so I do not have much to say as an update.
Working as a part-time "nanny" (of sorts) has been fun, and has also given me some time to relax before Julianne gets here. The boys are all well-behaved, and are not too much of a handful, minus the occasional teenage boy moments that get the best of any young men their age, I suppose. But it has been fun! It definitely makes me want to have sons of my own even more than I already did.
But my biggest rant of the week follows a bombardment of text messages from my daughter's absentee father, who has been nothing but a pain and untrustworthy from the beginning. This guy thinks he somehow is in a position to ask me how I am, or what I'm doing, or why I'm not at certain places... on and on and on... It is none of his business!! He thought little enough of me to abandon me when I was just a few weeks pregnant (after never being faithful to me in the first place), say horrible things to me, treat me in horrible ways, steal from me, use me, manipulate me... and the list goes on. And he thinks that I would want to carry on event the smallest, most innocent conversation with him?
I think not! This "man" (for lack of a better word) has done nothing but cause physical, mental and emotional stress, left me with no income, no money, and in debt. Nothing good except the physical presence of my daughter in my life has come to me because of him. There is no way, now that I have grown the strength to walk away from one of the most abusive situations in my life that I would EVER go back to that even in something as simple as a conversation. Ya. RIGHT.
I am not that stupid. Not anymore. I will have nothing to do with you, ever again. Sorry.
What is it with some of the male species that makes them think that after someone has given them everything, loved them despite of all their flaws, forgiven them for things that no one else was willing to, defended them, covered for them, loved them unconditionally no matter what - what makes them think that it is fine for them to turn around and turn into a horrible monster?
Of course, I do not mean all men. I know plenty of good ones, and I also know plenty of women who do the same kind of thing. I do not excuse them by any means. And I acknowledge that we live in a fallen world, with all sorts of evil, but sometimes I wonder how awful people can be and still defend themselves? How can anyone treat someone this way and continually think it is alright?
It's disturbing.
Okay. Rant over.
I am a strong, very independent woman who, thanks to my relationship with my Heavenly Father, is confident in who I am as a person, and is willing to put my heart out there. If it gets broken, then so be it. Part of that is on me, but I will never justify someone else's actions, either. I will not live with regrets, and I will raise my daughter to have the most positive picture of her father that I can, without avoiding the truth. She will always know that her Heavenly Father is the one who loves her the most, and I'm believing He will one day bring us someone who can be ten times the father and husband that her biological father could ever be.
It's that hope that I must hold on to, and that even in my darkest, most stressful sleepless nights, somewhere down the line, I will not spend them alone.
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